I’m really afraid to write tonight because I’m afraid no one is going to read it, and i’m trembling at the fact that someone just might.
I’m just tired of living my life. I feel like every day is a battle. My home life hasn’t been very good. And the person who is the closest thing to me in this entire world couldn’t care less about me. I feel like I have been carrying the weight of the world for a while now, and I’m just about to collapse.
I like to think I”m good for something. I have a plan. I want to graduate school and become a teacher, even if there is no teaching jobs. But I don’t want to give up that hope that I can do it. I feel like I have something to offer. That one day kids are going to be begging to be in my classroom. That one day I am going to matter and will be doing something that matters. But I am really the only person who has faith in me anymore these days.
I don’t feel loved. And no this isn’t some bullshit statement that a lot of girls like to give. I truly do not feel loved. It feels like someone has ripped out my heart and my stomach has that empty feeling. I try so hard to keep things together for everyone around me and things are just crashing down all around me. Some days I just want to walk away. But I’m afraid that if I do I’m going to be hurt and alone like nothing I have experienced before.
I just want to matter. I want to be taken seriously. I want that person to know and understand that I’d travel across the world for them and to realize THAT MEANS SOMETHING. I want to be appreciated. I want to feel like I am an invaluable piece.
Maybe all these wants are unrealistic. Maybe it’s just time to drop all of these burdens I seem to carry with me. But I’m not a quitter. But i’m not sure that’s a valid excuse anymore.
I just need a few days to really remove myself from my life. I need to remove myself in order to really see if I do matter, if I do have value. Maybe then I’ll have my answer. Until then..